Rethinking “Behaviour Management”: Understanding What’s Underneath

At SMART Spot, we see all behaviour as communication, a child’s way of showing us what they need, how they feel, or what might be too hard right now. Instead of focusing on “managing” behaviour, we focus on understanding and supporting it.

When children show big feelings or tricky behaviours, it’s not about defiance or control it’s often about overwhelm, communication differences, unmet sensory needs, or skills still developing. When we pause to ask why rather than how to stop it, we build trust, safety, and connection which are the foundations for meaningful change.

Why Understanding Behaviour Matters

Challenging moments can impact the wellbeing of both children and adults. When we approach these moments with empathy and curiosity, we can:

• Protect connection: Helping children feel seen and safe, even when things are hard.

• Reduce stress for families: Predictable, compassionate approaches ease pressure on everyone.

• Build lifelong skills: Supporting emotional regulation, communication, and problem-solving.

• Promote inclusion: When we understand a child’s needs, we make school and community settings more accessible for them.

What Adults Can Focus On

Instead of trying to “fix” behaviour, we can focus on co-regulation and skill building, the two pillars of neuro-affirming support.

1. Regulate first – Children borrow our calm before they learn to find their own. Taking a moment to breathe, lower our voice, or reduce demands helps their nervous system feel safe.

2. Observe the pattern – Notice what happens before and after a behaviour. Is the child tired, hungry, overstimulated, or needing connection?

3. Name and validate – Simple language like, “You’re feeling frustrated,  that’s okay,” helps children understand and label emotions safely.

4. Offer support, not control – Provide choices, visuals, sensory tools, and movement breaks to help children meet expectations in ways that feel manageable.

5. Stay consistent and kind – Children thrive when the adults around them are predictable, calm, and attuned.

When Adults Feel Stretched

Caring for children with big needs can be tiring. Many parents and educators describe feeling like they’re walking on eggshells or constantly reacting. It’s okay to find this hard, it is hard. Reaching out for support, learning new strategies, and having a trusted professional to reflect with can make an enormous difference.

Therapists can help adults understand a child’s sensory profile, communication style, and regulation needs and build realistic, compassionate plans that support both the child and the adults who care for them.

The Heart of Neuroaffirming Practice

At its core, neuroaffirming practice is about respect, safety, and understanding. We shift from “How do I make this behaviour stop?” to “What is this behaviour telling me?”

When children feel understood, they can begin to regulate, communicate, and connect in ways that work for them and that’s where growth really happens.