Understanding Challenging Behaviour: Looking Beneath the Surface

When your child’s behaviour feels challenging, it can be easy to focus only on what’s happening in the moment, the meltdown, the refusal, the tears, or the big emotions. But behaviour is a lot like an iceberg.

The tip of the iceberg (above the water) is what we see: the behaviour itself. The much larger part beneath the water represents what’s really driving that behaviour: your child’s feelings, needs, and beliefs.

By looking beneath the surface, we can start to understand that behaviour isn’t about being “naughty” or “defiant,” it’s often a form of communication.

What Might Be Beneath the Behaviour?

Children’s behaviour can be a signal that something deeper is going on, especially when they don’t yet have the words or skills to explain it. Some common underlying factors include:

• Safety and security needs - Feeling unsafe, uncertain, or unsettled.

• Connection and understanding - Wanting to feel respected, valued, and heard.

• Sensory needs - Too much noise, light, movement, or touch can overwhelm a child’s nervous system.

• Physical needs - Tiredness, hunger, or even illness can all affect behaviour.

• Boredom or lack of engagement - When activities feel too easy or uninteresting.

• Transitions - Difficulty moving between activities, environments, or routines.

• Social demands - Navigating friendships, group dynamics, or playground challenges.

• Academic demands - Schoolwork that feels too hard, too easy, or unclear.

• Stress or anxiety - Worries about upcoming events or expectations.

• Confidence - Feeling unsure about their own abilities.

When any of these needs are unmet (or even just perceived as unmet), children often express themselves through behaviour.

The Power of Pausing

Here’s the tip: Next time your child shows challenging behaviour, pause before reacting and ask yourself: “What might be going on under the surface for my child right now?”

By taking this step back, you shift from simply managing the surface behaviour to addressing the root cause. This helps your child feel safe, understood, and supported - and over time, reduces the likelihood of those big behaviours repeating.

How SMART Spot Supports Families

At SMART Spot, we know that every behaviour tells a story. Our role is to help children and families “decode” those behaviours, build stronger communication skills, and create strategies that support a child’s needs at home, at school, and in the community.

By looking beneath the surface together, we can create an environment where children feel more confident, connected, and capable.

Key Takeaway: Behaviour is communication. When we respond with curiosity and understanding, we move beyond the “iceberg tip” and meet our children where they truly need us.

Want to learn more about how we can support your family? Contact us here to start a conversation.

This blog and visual were inspired by the “Behavioural Iceberg” framework, originally shared by Dr. Laura Froyen (www.laurafroyen.com). We’ve adapted the concept to reflect the needs of the families we support at SMART Spot.